Monday, January 31, 2011

Outside Looking In

So many people think that just because you're surrounded by people you must be happy and feel like you're on top of the world. But not many people really tell the truth; even in a crowded room it's SO easy to feel alone, isolated. It's so easy to feel like you're simply on the outside looking in. Teenagers, heck people in general for that matter, are notorious for exclusion and ignorance. Everyone has done it, there's been that person that you kind of brush off when you're with a better friend. But what if that brushed off friend never finds someone who thinks that they are the better friend? What if they're continually pushed to the outside?

I've tried to make a bunch of new friends this year and maybe in the process I've messed up with my old friends. I don't know. I just wanted to have a lot of fun for my last year of high school. For the past few years I've been doing the bare minimum by way of really putting myself out there. I figured that with being a cheerio it would help me make new friends hasn't. I sometimes feel like that little girl in the picture. I enter a room and sit down at my desk and people mill around me, maybe saying "Hi." or asking a few superficial questions. I feel like I've got a lot of friends. A lot of people I enjoy being with at school or talking to in the halls but...I spend all my weekends at home watching movies, wishing my life was like that. I read books as a way to cope and dang, whoever came up with books is a genius, I'd be in trouble without them. :)

I hate being this lonely. I guess it's the price I pay for living my life SO differently than basically all of my friends; I don't drink (nor will I ever), I don't see R-rated movies (or even some of the worse PG-13), I don't swear (and I don't like it when people do), I don't like to break rules, I don't enjoy rebellion, I don't simply think about having fun in the moment but about what kind of ramifications my choices will have on my future. As I've said before, I have a lot of time on my hands, haha, and I've come to this very simple conclusion; people don't ask me to hang out with them or whatever because they think I'm this huge drag and that I would detract from their 'fun.' Which I can understand. I guess it's maybe a testament to some of my friends; they don't want to put me in situations that I would be uncomfortable with. Which is nice of them. But I still wish I didn't feel so left out.

The worst part is Facebook, that thing has become such a cliche now-a-days. Dang. But, again I've got a lot of time to kill and so I check Facebook and guess what? So-and-so had a great time with such-and-such and they did this or that. Sometimes it's groups of my friends. I understand that sometimes people just wanna hang out with certain friends but it still kinda hurts. I try to be strong and think about next year. But I'm starting to get scared that I'm broken or something, like I'm defective when it comes to making friends that actually matter, friends that are more than just acquaintances. What if I'm all alone next year too? That would REALLY suck and I'm scared. My track record isn't too great...

This is where I wanna go right now. I wanna feel the sun on my face, the weak but bright rays at sunset. That's my favorite time of day. The tree looks so strong, so old, so sure; I love trees. They are amazing creations. Just a place to go and think, to be alone without any distraction. To listen only to the sounds of nature no people walking by, no cars honking, no yelling, no cursing, nothing. Silence. Peace. Ahhhhhh....Wouldn't that just be Heaven? 

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