Have you ever been so utterly wronged by a person? So hurt that you want to just crawl into a ball and cry until you can't make any more tears? So angry that, through your tears, you scream into a pillow and want so badly to face that person that tore you down mercilessly? It's the most horrible, or close to, thing that can happen to a person. Four months later and I still think about that conversation that really hit me, I still think about the horrible things he said about and to me. I tell myself that it's not worth it to keep dwelling on what happened. It's stupid to let what some crass callow boy said to me or thought about me. But it does. I can't seem to get over it and like I've said, it's been months. Why? I don't understand why I can't let this go. Why I can't just move on, but even now it hurts. I once heard that writing is therapeutic.
But I'm still struggling to get through a couple days without thinking about him and how badly he hurt me. I find myself thinking about it when I'm driving and alone, when I have nothing else to really think about. I still feel so angry when I find myself in the middle of a thought, replaying the words that cut into my soul. I mentally slap myself out of my train of thought and yet it's still there lurking in the back of my mind.
If you haven't already garnered from what I've said in the past about myself; I'm Mormon and I've been raised as such. I've been raised to live my life to a standard that not many people see as possible. I try to live my life with a high level of honesty, virtue, and integrity. I expected the same of the person that was on the other side of the phone. Men in my church hold a very special power, a power that is sacred and awesome. In order to stay worthy of this amazing blessing they are asked to live high, to treat women with respect and protect them as much as possible from the crazy world we live in. So that was the worst part. I NEVER thought that someone that had been taught as I have would treat me so dreadfully.
A part of me thought that I must have deserved what I got but that is SO not true. What really happened did not warrant that disparagement I got. I agonized over everything with this guy. I spent so much of my summer worried about hurting him. So much time was wasted thinking about someone who would come to tear me up without a thought. I should have never given him my number that day, I shouldn't have let him in. He may have helped me through a time that was one of my hardest but he was hiding that side that I got to see four months ago. If only I had shut him out, I would have saved myself alot of trouble alot of hurt. But I guess we live and learn.
Overall, I can't take anything back. I can't rewind and start over. I need to move on but I'm still struggling with it. I pray for the strength to let go of it and realize that I really am a divine daughter of God and that I deserve better than the treatment I received. But I think that, all in all, I'm a stronger person because of the experience. I don't know if it can really get much worse for me than that. Luckily I've got some really good friends that were there for me when it all happened and have been ever since. I've had some friends offer to stand up for me (which I respectfully declined), friends that hugged me when I was so upset, friends that reassured me that I was nothing like what he said.
I don't expect to heal overnight, scars have been left and some scars take longer than just a few months to fully heal. I believe it. I know that someday I'll totally get over it and move on and think back on this whole experience as way to learn. For that's the whole reason for being on this earth: to learn and to live and grow and develop. Sometimes it's just a little harder to learn some lessons. We don't get to chose how we learn about life. We've simply to decide what to do with the new knowledge.