Outside Looking In

So many people think that just because you're surrounded by people you must be happy and feel like you're on top of the world. But not many people really tell the truth; even in a crowded room it's SO easy to feel alone, isolated. It's so easy to feel like you're simply on the outside looking in. Teenagers, heck people in general for that matter, are notorious for exclusion and ignorance. Everyone has done it, there's been that person that you kind of brush off when you're with a better friend. But what if that brushed off friend never finds someone who thinks that they are the better friend? What if they're continually pushed to the outside?

I've tried to make a bunch of new friends this year and maybe in the process I've messed up with my old friends. I don't know. I just wanted to have a lot of fun for my last year of high school. For the past few years I've been doing the bare minimum by way of really putting myself out there. I figured that with being a cheerio it would help me make new friends but...it hasn't. I sometimes feel like that little girl in the picture. I enter a room and sit down at my desk and people mill around me, maybe saying "Hi." or asking a few superficial questions. I feel like I've got a lot of friends. A lot of people I enjoy being with at school or talking to in the halls but...I spend all my weekends at home watching movies, wishing my life was like that. I read books as a way to cope and dang, whoever came up with books is a genius, I'd be in trouble without them. :)

I hate being this lonely. I guess it's the price I pay for living my life SO differently than basically all of my friends; I don't drink (nor will I ever), I don't see R-rated movies (or even some of the worse PG-13), I don't swear (and I don't like it when people do), I don't like to break rules, I don't enjoy rebellion, I don't simply think about having fun in the moment but about what kind of ramifications my choices will have on my future. As I've said before, I have a lot of time on my hands, haha, and I've come to this very simple conclusion; people don't ask me to hang out with them or whatever because they think I'm this huge drag and that I would detract from their 'fun.' Which I can understand. I guess it's maybe a testament to some of my friends; they don't want to put me in situations that I would be uncomfortable with. Which is nice of them. But I still wish I didn't feel so left out.

The worst part is Facebook, that thing has become such a cliche now-a-days. Dang. But, again I've got a lot of time to kill and so I check Facebook and guess what? So-and-so had a great time with such-and-such and they did this or that. Sometimes it's groups of my friends. I understand that sometimes people just wanna hang out with certain friends but it still kinda hurts. I try to be strong and think about next year. But I'm starting to get scared that I'm broken or something, like I'm defective when it comes to making friends that actually matter, friends that are more than just acquaintances. What if I'm all alone next year too? That would REALLY suck and I'm scared. My track record isn't too great...

This is where I wanna go right now. I wanna feel the sun on my face, the weak but bright rays at sunset. That's my favorite time of day. The tree looks so strong, so old, so sure; I love trees. They are amazing creations. Just a place to go and think, to be alone without any distraction. To listen only to the sounds of nature no people walking by, no cars honking, no yelling, no cursing, nothing. Silence. Peace. Ahhhhhh....Wouldn't that just be Heaven? 



Song of Life

So, I was thinking today, playing piano can be a great metaphor for the way people live their lives. We may hear someone else play a piece that sounds so beautiful, so effortless, so easy and think we can just pick it up and be tickling the ivory with no practice at all, for some that may be true but that only comes after years and years of study but for the average passive player it's not so true. When we sit down to our 'easy, beautiful, effortless' piece of music we realize there is a multitude of sharps, flats, ties, slurs and everything else. We realize that it's not as easy as we thought...there are two options in front of us...quit or work hard to master it. Alot of people simply quit and move on to something else, settle for something else. We've all done it, but does it really bring happiness to settle for mediocrity? As I've always said, the best things in life were never meant to be easy, or else they wouldn't mean anything.

Now, when we're learning that dream song we all have to be careful that we're practicing it the correct way. If we practice the song with a C where there is supposed to be a D flat or practice putting the wrong emphasis on notes, it might not only sound bad but it could be a hard habit to break. Our fingers and brains get so used to hitting those mistakes after just a few practices that when you go to correct the mistakes it's almost like starting over. If only you had practiced the song the right way from the beginning. It's the same in life, once we start making mistakes and getting used to making those mistakes it gets harder and harder to fix them. We get so set in our ways that we begin to think the mistakes are actually part of the song. We don't recognize the mistakes as mistakes anymore. That's when things get dangerous because the first step to fixing misdeeds is recognizing them. All it takes is one jarring note to make an entire song sound simply like a cacophony of sound, not beauty.

One of my absolute favorite songs. This man is a genious and so talented. I'm sure he spends hours playing, practicing and having fun with his love of music. If only everyone held such a passion about something.

New Semester's Resolution

Well, I'm officially half-way through my senior year of high school. It seems so weird that in only a few short months I'm going to be throwing a blue cap into the air with about 400 other kids. That will be a sight to remember. I can't wait to see the smiles and laughter and tears that will be shed on that day. I can't wait to take pictures in those awful blue gowns we've all had to buy. BUY, yeah, who in the world is going to use their graduation gown again? I mean, seriously, why couldn't we rent them people? Haha.

Finals were this last week and I did relatively well in all except my APCalc class. Totally failed the final. Completely. 13%. There's something you need to know about me; I never fail classes. I never get below a B- on things. And I'm sitting on a F in Calc. This is just weird for me. Bizarre! But I know what I'm going to do. There are people out there that would say, "Screw it! APCalc is an elective (for me) and it doesn't really matter cause I've already got enough math credits, so why try?" Well, NOT ME! I'm going to kick Calculus' butt this semester. I'm going to show it who's boss, who's in charge. It will be so afraid of me. I'm not going to procrastinate. (I've said that before.) But things are different now, I've got something I have to make up for. I need to prove myself. I'm not going to give up just cause it's harder than I expected. I can't just give up, that would be admitting defeat and I know I can do this. Anything can be accomplished with courage, hard work, and determination.

So it's a Friday night and what do I plan on doing? Hanging out with my friends? No. Going out with me mom? Already did. Watch a movie? No. I'm going to make some calculus wish it had never crossed me. Next semester I want to be like Elle Woods from Legally Blond, how she is totally out of her league with Harvard and falling behind like nothing else but then she works her butt off and turns out to graduate with honors. That's my favorite scene in the movie, when she goes out to buy her laptop and starts studying more than ever before in order to achieve something that means a lot to her. That's what I'm going to do. I want at least a B in calculus. I can do that. That is a totally attainable goal. I know it. That's my new semester's resolution. I think that every student around the world should make a new semester's resolution...or trimester, whatever they're on. What better time to turn things around then on a fresh start. Slates are wiped clean on semester changes. Clean, fresh starts all around. I love it. Let's go!

Dancing

Last night I went to my school's Toga dance as a fundraiser for the Senior Ball at the end of the year and I had a blast but there is something I wish we still had at dances. The above videos are examples of ballroom dance that I wish we had these days. I think that it looks like so much fun the way they all know what to do and their not just swaying to the music or "grinding" on each other or else just kinda bobbing around. They have a purpose it their movements, they're meeting an end.

I wonder, do they still have the grand balls that they used to? Where the ladies dress to the nines and the men are gentlemen in stead of grabbing some random girl (or their own date) and using her just to 'get some?' I wish I still lived in the day when the guys treated me and all girls respectfully. I know I loath being made to feel less than a person and it's happened before, I never want to go through that again.

Going to an old-fashioned Ball would be such a blast. I would LOVE to get one of those old dresses and go on the arm of a gentleman that is also in period appropriate dress. Ahhhh...but what will I see at the Senior 'Ball?' Girls trying to show off as much of themselves as possible and guys that do the bare minimum to look appropriate for the event, people dancing so close you can't see where one person ends and another begins. It's gross, I mean come on people, have a little class?

What ever happened to guys being creative to ask a girl to a dance? Is chivalry dead? I don't know. Sometimes, I'll be talking to a guy and they will make it seem like it's not but then only hours later they do something opposite of what they just said and kill it all over. At my school, guys are perfecting their cajoling skills with the ladies. I swear. Ugh. I want a guy to sing "Can't Take my Eyes Off of You" over the loud speakers to me. I want some guy to ask me to Prom by drawing all over my car leaving flowers on the hood, putting up fliers all around school looking for me. I wish all these things would happen but will they? Alas, no. I try not to even think about the Senior Ball for one simple reason, no one to go with.

Can't it just start now?

The week before Christmas I found out that my dream college decided they wanted me. I'm going to be a Coug. A BYU-I coug. I was ecstatic when I found out. I can't wait! The best part is my best friend, A.K.A, my sister, lives there too. So we're going to have a blast together, even if I don't see her everday.

I'm most looking forward to getting out there and meeting new people cause frankly, I'm pretty lonely. I mean I have friends but no one I really tell stuff to anymore. I've never really had a friend that I told all my secrets to but I do wish I had someone a little closer to my age than my mom to talk to. I just want to have some really tight girlfriends that don't make me make the first move to hang out. It's tiring, always being the one to set things up and whatnot. I feel like it's been a really long time since I've really talked to anyone like that and it's all building up inside. Close to exploding as time goes by. But I guess that's just life right?

Though I'm not exactly looking forward to leaving my parents behind, I do really want to get out there and make friends with people who will actually put forth an effort with being my friend. I can't wait to finally have some fun on the weekends without having to worry about what they other people will do. Honestly, in the back of my mind, I always feel like my friends don't ask me to do things with them simply because they think I'll kill their fun because I have standards. It's unfair. But I guess, that's just the way it is right? Ha. Oh well, how many more months do I have to deal with it? Like 5? That's not too bad. At least it isn't years. :)

Disappointment

Disappointment. Defeated hopes and dreams. Yeah, it sucks. That's what I'm feeling right about now. Let me tell you why and what I've learned from this experience.

This Saturday was meant to be my second cheer competition. Our last chance to qualify for my state's cheer competition. We're not going. All because of some people who didn't really even care about going or cheering in the first place. I will never again be able to perform in front of a crowd doing something I've wanted to do for YEARS. And now, the girls that started this ball rolling laugh and joke about not having to practice anymore and how it had been such a waste of their time. I don't get it. If it was so horrible why did they do it? Why not just quit? Why drag all the rest of us down?

I am so disappointed with how these girls have acted. They could have walked away and the rest of us could have gone on to have more fun and compete and represent our school as it should be represented. But now, the squad is just a joke. People at other schools ridicule us. It's humiliating. I thought that being a cheerleader would be prestigious and I was so proud to have done it, to have made it. Now I'm almost ashamed to say I'm one of my school's cheerleaders. All because of stupid, thoughtless choices some people have made.

What really nails the coffin shut is that these girls have disrespected and hurt our wonderful coaches. Our coaches have worked so hard to help all of us and they have been there for us when most people would have just quit and given up on us. They have endured personal attacks on both their coaching abilities and their dedication to the squad from teenage girls (frightening, I know). They have felt persecution from parents and administration. They have had hardly any support from their squad. I hold them to high regard simply for what they have done for our squad and for me. They took a chance on me; never having been a cheerleader before. I wish they could know how awesome they really were.

This experience has really shown just how simple it is for a few people to ruin something for so many other people. And it is not fun. At all. To be so powerless over something so important to me really bites. I looked forward to competition more than anything else besides graduation and prom this year. And it's been stolen from me.

Tangled

This has got to be the cutest, funniest, awesomest, lovliest movie I've seen in a long time! When my mom and sis decided to take the kiddos to see it, I thought, "Ah, why not? It looked cute in the trailers." Oh boy was I happy.

Okay, something they don't tell you about this movie? It has an awesome soundtrack. I loved the songs that the characters sing and I could totally relate to the song When Will My Life Begin...well, not all of it but the idea that she's kinda lonely and doesn't really have anyone to really talk to that's close to her in age and whatnot. And it's just such a darn catchy song.

How long has it been since we've had a cute Disney prince, ladies? Too long. I mean come on! What were the animators of Beauty and the Beast thinking when they drew Beast after transforming back into his human form? Seriously the ugliest prince right there. Anyway, even though Flynn Ryder wasn't technically a prince he still counts in my book. I am going to complain, why does Disney create these attractive characters? To taunt us girls? Haha. Of course the wonderful actor, Zachary Levi isn't too hard on the eyes either. Did anyone besides me not know he could sing? Chuck can sing? What? I was happily surprised.

I really want to see this movie again! I can't wait for it to come out on DVD cause I'm definately going to buy it and watch it everyday. I think that everyone should consider going to see this little movie. Sure it's meant for little kids but it's still a great watch and, personally, I don't think anyone is too old for a good old-fashoned fairytale. I know I'm never going to be too old for princess movies.

2011...Really?

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone out there! I can't believe that both holidays are over so quickly; kinda makes me sad really. I wait all year for that time of year to come and it's over as soon as you can say Santa. But I guess all good things must come to an end eventually right? I'm just happy that this year was really special.

Every two years my siblings come home for Christmas (every other year they go to their in-laws) and this year we had them! Now both of my siblings have two kids; my brother has two little girls and my sister has a little boy and girl. For the days leading up to Christmas my partens found this really nice little cabin up in the mountains for us to stay in. We had so much fun those days, we'd go to the sledding hills for some fun even though it was FREEZING! I didn't sled simply because the hill was really big and there were a lot of people trying to go down and I don't like having to deal with that. But I loved watching my little nieces and nephew go down, they were so proud of themselves!

Christmas morning came and went quickly, as it always does. As I've grown older I've come to realize that I don't really care about the presents as much as I used to. I mean I like to get something to open but I guess I really have everything I need. The months leading up to Christmas always find me telling my mom not to buy me something because I may want something else more later. Indecisiveness is one of my flaws.

Something that I hope I never see in my family is something that is increasingly becoming very common in many families across the world. Children opening a gift, not even caring who gave it to them or what it really is and they throw it over their shoulder so they can open another, repeating what they had just done. I want my children to really appreciate what they are given. I don't want them to have toys on Christmas that they don't even play with, that stay in the courner of the room totally forgotten. There are so many children around the world who could be playing with that forgotten toy, who would actually love it.
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So it's the new year. 2011. Is that even possible? Can it really be? My graduating year? What is this, I'm totally not old enough to be considered an adult. I can't believe that this time next year I'll be living a couple thousand miles away from my mommy and daddy. What am I going to do? That'll be ridiculous! Lucky for me, my sister lives in the same town as my college. Oh yeah, I got my acceptance to BYU-I. This is one excited girl right here.

New year means a fresh start. I wish that I could say I got a whole new look that I totally rocked at school today but...I didn't. I'm still the same girl. I don't like to make new years' resolutions. They just get forgotten or broken. I simply want to stay caught up on work and life. I don't like feeling so stressed out like I tend to do. Let's see how that goes haha.